What a post to come back on. The site is still a mess from the transfer, it’s a lot more labor intensive than I estimated with all the tags and photos. But its 1am and I just woke up for some unknown reason with her on my mind and its important to talk about, so here it is.

When news broke today about Demi Lovato’s overdose, I have to admit, my first thought was “oh such a shame the addiction won again.” That lasted for about 10 seconds, until my last 3 years of remission and relapse came flooding back.

Demi has been fairly open with her struggles with self-harm, eating disorder, cocaine and alcohol addiction. Six years clean. And then an apparent heroin overdose. Relapse. The old but not forgotten destructive demon roaring back, seemingly out of nowhere. Last month she gave a hint when she released a new song “Sober”. Questions circulated on if she wasn’t sober anymore or was this written “back then”. We know the answer now.

Social media has been quick to defend and demonize. The range from “If she wouldn’t have done (something they think would have prevented it), she wouldn’t be in this position now” to “why didn’t she reach out”. And that hit home. Hard.

The last 3 years of my own recovery have been hard. A personal revealing. Admitting to not just others but to myself about my own struggles. My own self harm, eating disorder, anxiety and depression. No matter how many times I told myself the self-harm and eating disorder were in the past, it keeps coming back. Possibly in a similar way to hers. I have never thought in the last 15 years “oh I’ll just skip this meal because my heart and head are in a weird place”. It just happened. I just skipped the meal, sometimes for a seemingly valid reason. “I don’t eat when I’m upset” and “my tummy’s just feeling funny today”. Best case, I just ate a few bites. Day after day I did what I did without really realizing what the cumulative effects were. Without reaching out to anyone. I can handle it, it’s not bad enough to need help. And a bit of shame and embarrassment to be struggling again so soon. Until one day you “wake up” and realize you have gone weeks and haven’t had over 1000 calories a day and its starting to impact life.

And “recovery” begins. Again.

It’s different for substances. But only slightly. Both have many similarities, particularly in the way the brain changes. We don’t know what caused her relapse. It’s her story to tell or not after she has done some more healing. Maybe she was at a party and got caught in the moment when the old “friend” showed up. Maybe she thought she could handle “this one time”. Maybe she was in a bad moment and just got tired of fighting, reverting back to the “tried and true”. Whatever it was, it’s almost certain she didn’t make the conscious choice to become an addict again. Nobody starts with the intention of becoming the worst extreme of our chosen self-medication. She was likely looking for some sort of comfort, that old habit brought some relief on some level.

I don’t pretend to understand what it’s like to be addicted to a substance like that but I do understand the pull to the self-harm as a coping mechanism. And I think, if we are all honest with ourselves, we understand that pull to certain things. Cokes, coffee, candy, chocolate. Most people joke about it but its real. They say sugar is just as addictive as cocaine, aspartame even more so. You don’t get the cold sweats and shakes when detoxing from it, your body and mind will still react, just in different ways. But the base is the same. You feel like you need it, you crave it, you know what will fix this current discomfort. When you give it to your body, you brain “feels better”. Sugar will kill you, it’s just a slower death and you are less likely to overdose on it. At first at least unless (or until if your prone to it) you develop diabetes. Once you do the first detox you are forever at risk for relapse. A little bit can easily turn into a little more that can easily turn into excess. It wont take long and you are back where you were before. Never consciously, but it happens.

That. Is. Addiction.

Recent research has shown a connection to breaking addictions and true happiness. When people are helped to heal those inner demons and helped to build contentment in and with their life, they are less likely to relapse. Not that the pull never comes back but they feel more secure and stronger to fight the temptation more often. I pray she finds that deep joy again. I pray we all do. Contentment in all circumstances.

This is where I get preachy. We were not made to do this alone nor is that a burden we should take upon ourselves. We are not alone. Even if the people directly connected to us in this moment do not understand, there is a host of people that are or have been exactly where you are right now. Someone who has dealt with a similar issue can be just as helpful. We need to find those people. Even more than that, know we have an ever-present God that is waiting for us to come before Him and ask for His help. When we finally get to the end of ourselves and admit that we cannot do it alone, He steps in in amazing ways. As you begin to have a personal connection and understanding of 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, you are able to let go of some of the burden you are carrying and allow Him and His strength to carry you.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Admitting I am weak when face to face with my demons is not a weakness, it is strength and power. It removes the power from my demon and gives it back to me. I am not a victim of it. It is admitting I am human. It is being authentic with myself. It is being honest about my limits. It allows me to lean on The One who has never ending strength and power. It doesn’t make me any less of a warrior, it allows me to battle on a more level field.

Keep fighting Warriors! One day the storm clouds will clear, your bloom will be seen, that elephant in the room will be but a small mouse in your pocket.